Falling Into...

I was planning to start at the beginning. When I finally decided to start writing about my experience living with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, or hEDS in the Zebra world, I planned to chronicle my life before and after the time I was diagnosed (in my early 40's). That plan, like so many others, changed overnight.

I fell. I stepped off the curb onto an apple hidden under leaves next to the sidewalk. There was a reason. I could explain it. Sure, my ankle (and the rest of me) hurt like hell, but I knew what happened and I was thankful for my super stretchy ligaments and tendons. I'd limp for a couple of weeks, but I wouldn't need surgery to repair anything!

A month or so later, I fell again. I thought, "Wow! That was random. Weird!" All I did this time was step off the sidewalk. Not onto an apple. Just onto the flat, clear road... I made sure. That little hint of caution had crept into my subconscious and I almost always check my footing when stepping up onto or down off a stair or curb. Just to be sure. Just to be fully present and grounded when I'm moving.

I fell a few more times outside. With most of the falls, I could pinpoint the joint that shifted... hip, knee, ankle. I slipped on snow. I missed the curb. My foot shifted in my shoe. I fell in the house... while walking between rooms. In slow motion. I was upright, then I wasn't! I have no idea what happened, but it really freaked T out.

Last week, I fell... twice. No warning either time. First, I took out the trash, closed the lid on the garbage can, turned to walk back inside, and was on the ground. A couple of days later, I was doing my regular walk with T. We were walking and talking then boom. On the ground again was I.

At that moment, I remember feeling really defeated and close to tears - not because it hurt... pain is normal for me - but because I thought, "Is this my life now?" Then T reached out his arm to help me up and I reined in that thought. I got up and we walked the remaining 25 feet to the front door. T was shocked. We both looked to see if I had stepped on something and turned my ankle. (There was nothing there.) He said it looked, again, like a slow-motion fall scene from a movie. It felt like that in my body too - like I could feel my brain forcing my muscles to work on slowing the fall, almost catching my balance, having time to get my hands out in front of me to protect my face and head, then a release and I was down. I have no experience with this sensation, other than these two falls. It's really strange, disconcerting, and fascinating all at the same time!

We went inside and went about our day, putting the fall aside. Later that night, it hit me .. and prompted me to scrap the plan and just start writing... I wasn't hurting (scrapes and bruises aside). No pulled muscles. No limp. No achy tendons or ligaments. Incredible sadness. That's what scares me. My joints are so floppy that I'm not even injuring myself anymore. If this is where I'm at now, where will I be at 80? Will I even be able to walk?

After some time to process what I was feeling, I have to say that my answer is, HELL YES! I choose to do all I can for as long as I can to make sure that I'm still independently mobile for as long as possible. I am choosing to fall into the unknown. I don't need to know what's next - good or not so good. I don't need to look that far ahead. Right now, I just choose to know that I am doing my strengthening exercises, I am walking, and I am exploring what will support my safety in a way that works for me.